AUTHOR: King Joseph
Founder/Chief Publicity Strategist,
Success MEDIA Africa.
(a division of King Joseph Success World).
Language Used: SEL (for all)
PRELUDE: Looking into one of the major problems (ignorance of the new age) we face in our relationships. The one we never really think of or take serious these days.
HOLY BIBLE REFERENCES – knowledge:
Fair warning: I know some may be angry with me, for this honest and helpful write-up, but I still have to proceed with what I’m about to write on, for the Holy Bible says; “we should preach the truth in love” [Ephessians 4:15] and I humbly suggest you pick up your Bible and read John 6:60-66
God also tells us through the Prophet Hosea: “My people perish, for a lack of knowledge.” [Hosea 4:6]. And we still do!
Bible References – On Relationship / Dating:
Though, there’s no place in the Bible, that relationship or dating is being discussed. However, since marriage starts from RELATIONSHIP, to DATING, to courtship before leading to marriage, so, what does the Bible say about marriage?
“So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.
And God blessed them, and God said to them,
“Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it.”
Book of Genesis 1:27-28
Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother
and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh.
Book of Genesis 2:24…meaning, the Parents sincere consents and full blessings are highly needed in every relationship that has to do with “love” especially.
One can see from the Bible and the very biology of the human body that it is natural for a man and a woman to be together.
God created woman because “it is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). From the beginning of time, as recorded in the Book of Genesis, God planned for man and woman to unite in love and harmony for continuity of his creation, the human race.
True love between a man and a woman leads to marriage. Marriage brings mutual comfort and a family. Children are the fruit and bond of a marriage. The family provides a framework for each family member to grow as a person in love and security.
Now, let’s look at what love really is.
WHAT IS LOVE?
“Whoever does not love does not know God, for God is love.”
1st John 4:8
Love is the favorite subject of artists and poets throughout the ages. “Romeo and Juliet,” William Shakespeare’s story about two star-crossed Lovers, is one of the most moving plays ever written (we all know what the major obstacle to their love in this story was…)
The loving kindness of Jesus and Mary’s love for the Christ child are evident on paintings throughout the West (but we all know what happened to them as a result of one’s family disapproval of the relationship).
Also Elizabeth Barrett Browning wrote impassioned love poems to her husband Robert Browning (true love with no unity).
I want to believe we are familiar with Alfred Lord Tennyson’s famous line, “Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”
The poet Kahlil Gibran wrote “Love is to know the pain of too much tenderness,” and “Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.”
Popular music is filled with the subject of love, such as Stardust, the Twenties classic;
“Earth Angel” by the Penguins, perhaps the first rhythm and blues song to become a national favorite in 1954;
“Love is a Many Splendored Thing” by the Four Aces in 1955;
“Time in a Bottle,” the number one ballad by the late Jim Croce in 1973;
“My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion, the theme song from the 1997 movie Titanic…hmm love oh love displayed by these people; and the number one country song “Would You Go With Me” by Josh Turner in 2006. The beautiful love song “Home” by Philip Philips in 2012 is the only recording to ever make the top ten three times in one year. Love makes the world go round!
Loving someone and being loved brings happiness. There are many loves in one’s life, such as your spouse or sweetheart, your parents, your family and children, or your best friend. We all want and need love. This is essential to the human race. We need to help each other, cooperate with each other, and reaffirm each other.
Mystery and a kind of mysticism surround love.
Hmm…my question for you now is; why do people fall in love?
Sighs…the heart is the seat of the emotions, one of the three spiritual centers of the person, along with the intellect and the will. It was the French writer Blaise Pascal in his Pensées who said “Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point”
Meaning: “the heart has its reasons of which the mind knows nothing.”
The higher emotions, such as love, joy, sorrow, or contrition, cannot be willed, but suddenly well up in a person, and pervade his whole being.
God is important to our love relationship, there’s no any doubt about this.
Even the greatest Fools know this, so AGREED!!!
Love of God grows as you mature in life. We become grateful for all His gifts, such as the beauty of creation and our family. And we become especially grateful for His forgiveness when we fall. His gifts to us are so plentiful that it becomes only fair and natural that we love him. We begin to appreciate that “God is love.” He is a wonderful example of love, because His love is unconditional. We are the happiest when we are living in harmony with God and nature. Someone who loves God will strive to be good, honest, and faithful, and develop all the values necessary to sustain a love relationship through the years.
Let me remind you of the Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard (1813-1855) who stresses this important point in Works of Love: “Worldly wisdom thinks that love is a relationship between man and woman. Christianity teaches that love is a relationship between man-God-woman, that is, that God is the middle term.” He then contrasts this with romantic love: “when love ceases, people say these two have a ‘falling out.’ The bond is broken. When a relationship is only between two, one always has the upper hand in the relationship by being able to break it, for as soon as one has broken away, the relationship is broken. But when there are three, one person cannot do this. The third, as mentioned, is love itself, which the innocent sufferer can hold to in the break, and then the break has no power over him.”
So, before nailing the top of this write-up title, need I say that GOD should be your first third and only party ‘the Intermediary’ you must know first and allow in your RELATIONSHIP, even before the Parents/Family and friends.
Love gives one a sense of immortality. The existentialist Kierkegaard described love as uniting the temporal with the eternal. This is best understood when you lose someone you love, such as your mother or father. Even though your loved one has died and is no longer with you on earth, your love lives on for the one you cherish, regardless.
C. S. Lewis in his book “The Four Loves” describes four kinds of human love:
iv. friendship, and the love of God.
STORGE, or affection, is the natural love a parent has for a child, while, EROS, or romantic love, is the desire two have for each other.
Plato considered eros something like poetic rapture upon seeing the beauty of another. Eros is the longing for the beauty and company of the beloved when two persons fall in love. This is in contrast to someone who has sexual desire without being in love, who wants to use the other strictly for selfish pleasure. A utilitarian relationship, in which the sexual partner becomes an object for use, holds no long-term possibility for joy, fulfillment, or happiness, but rather leaves one empty, disappointed, and ultimately alone.
PHILIA is the love of friendship, but may have conditions. It gives, but may expect something equal in return.
AGAPE is true, unconditional love, a generosity of spirit which gives and expects nothing in return. It is the love that God has for us. It is love at the highest level. The more true love there is between a man and a woman, or among family and friends, the more successful the relationship.
Oh! How much I love these following famous Biblical passages about love and choosing a husband or wife.
“Place me as a seal upon your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its ardor endures to the grave.
It burns with blazing flame,
a raging fire.
Torrents of rain cannot quench love;
nor floods sweep it away.
Song of Songs 8:6-7
“Love is patient,
love is kind;
love is not jealous or boastful;
it is not arrogant or rude.
Love does not insist on its own way;
it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends.”
I Corinthians 13:4-8
Oh! True love, sweet love as of old. This kind of love I always tell people that I cherish most, thus making an old age Lover man.
Hmm…I really wonder what has happened to the new age “love.”
Behold, relationships these days have turned upside down, that I still can not fathom how pathetic it has become now, that I can only ask:
It is obvious that, most are caused by some family/Parents/Guardians, Friends and Siblings (who I consider as unnecessary third Parties)…oh, one of my many daughters (Zainab) just mentioned “SECURITY”…but, I assume it is rather, “over-security” or still, “GREED”, SELF-CENTREDNESS”, “ENVY” et al….
Any which way, allow me proceed by giving the ordeals we now face in our suppose-to-be sweet love and enjoyed relationship. The facts so many writers shy away from, or may I say they just see as normalcy but a very big problem/obstacle to any serious relationship, despite all the good promises of agape love to us by God and the assurance by His Apostles, et al.
With the way things are going in most homes,
The way relationships are breaking;
The way so many ladies out there are so determined when it comes to breaking hearts, some even derive joy from this (evil) act,
The way some men see some women’s’ heart as just mere Oranges…,
The way we hurt our partners without feeling remorse about it,
The way we allow insecurity in our relationships – this has broken so many relationships right before their own eyes…hmmm.
The way we allow our partners go in silent pains and agony and never realized or cared about it.
Lots of men/women have emotionally been traumatized, believe me, some have even lost their sanity, all in the name of “Love.”
The wrong impressions some families/parents create before their child’s/ward’s Partner.
The way some family members will just come into the already editing-in-progress picture and (jealously) decide to ruin it.
The way they detest their child’s/wards Partner with passion and will not stop at anything to destroy the relationship, while some will even go spiritual against you or your life, just because they don’t like, want you or there’s a curse or some kind of evil covenant in the family that is against your relationship or even you getting married…this is very wide to want to start explaining. I can only wish you construe this from the right angle.
Some families are so cruel and evilish (add it to your dictionary), that all they are well capable of doing is rendering you useless in life…you hear something like; “by the time we make him lose all he has that makes him/her thinks he/she can take our “tool” or “successor” away from me/us. And this is either because; the one in question is truly their tool as they claim, physically or spiritually, or of a truth, consciously/unconsciously their successor in the spiritual realm. My dear, ma teri si o…I implore you to distantly avoid this kind of family, once you have “gracefully” discovered this!
Listen, some parents/parent (or siblings/friends) can do anything to stop your relationship, separate you, cause misunderstanding, disagreement, unusual and frequent quarrels/fights, frustrate your life and some even lead to death (here, their mission is accomplished. Lobatan!)…hmm, please, know the “family” (parents/guardians) first!
Some family members are so frustrated in life that, anyone who is coming in as an in-law-to-be MUST be very wealthy regardless, or capital “NO” is the only word existing in the dictionary. The love and care you “guys” share does not concern them a bit, because they already have a suitor for their child/ward. GREED and SELF-CENTREDNESS!!!
There are types of people who only care about flashy things…I call them “Instant Noodles” family, because they don’t care about tomorrow, what they only know is sharp, sharp, as e dey hot; they are too hungrily dependent that the moment you stop giving them is the moment you turn their “worst in-law” they’re already making plans to change Client (you)…you have expired, as far as they are concerned! Is this what you want? Are you sure you can handle or manipulate this kind of situation?
They don’t care what the Partner is into, if he/she likes mey hin be Yahoo guy, Ashewo (sex worker), Gbewiri (armed robber), money Ritualist, etc…listen, they – DON’T – GIVE – A – DAMN!
Therefore, my dear, please, I implore you to stay away sharp, if you know you’re not in that category,…oh, you are the good guy/girl who still believes in his/her self worth and future, so, you’re not ready to join such for love, I repeat, STAY AWAY! Do not try to prove anything. Just wish him/her good luck and peacefully, walk away, while you still can, and your life with you.
Sighs…there is nothing as dangerous, and if care is not taken, as quick to–take-ones-life as being in a relationship with/marry the wrong one and especially, from a wrong house.
The Principal Cause?
Yes! I also know that it’s long been widely known and accepted that Devil does not want any peaceful home/marriage (starting from dating). Agreed! But behind every problem, there is at least a corrective solution, like one of my favorite quotes says: “If you are able to yourself, then you have no competition. All you have to do is get closer and closer to that essence.” So, what we should be asking and focusing on for now, is:
The Way Forward?
I really cannot remember if I asked the question, but I sure do remember that I was lying down on the bed, trying to sleep for a while, when I came about it. And I rose up! So I am throwing it to you; What is the way …. Oh! I think I have an ancient insight first, and that is;
Here, I think one of the major problems we are facing is from our poor negligence and CIVILIZATION. Hence, we need to revisit our true culture – the importance of knowing the family/parents, before serious commitment with that special person is allowed to come in.
Oh! That reminds me of one of (Dr) Saheed Osupa’s epic songs, titled : “OLAJU DE” talks more about how marriage was being carried out in the days of the old…gone were the days
the lyrics go thus;
Olaju de, lawa gbagbe asa idile wa…” (Meaning; we’ve forgotten our culture due to civilization).
Time is really calling our attention back to the old ways of doing things the right way. These days, we really do not care about where the prospective partner is from “by see,” too but, “by say” alone– NO!!!
We all have fallen victims of this severally, and that is why higher percentages of fresh relationships break just like egg…so easily!
Please hold on, I know you are already asking questions like, “What does he mean…kind of question, huh?
How can one marry someone without knowing the family – without the consent of the Parents vice versa?
Yes! You are right there – but, let me ask this, how many guys or ladies take time to do an underground research on that man/woman’s parent / immediate family before dating? Mind you, this does not apply to every relationships though; I am talking about intending serious relationships here.
See “Know The Differences Between Serious Relationship And A Fling” here: http://t.co/bj7wURHbLb
Knowing the family first, before proceeding with the relationship/dating (commitment) is very vital…as important as having to lay a foundation for your building construction first.
I know and still remember that, Colossians 3:20 and Ephesians 6:1-3 admonish children to obey their parents “in the Lord, for this is right” and “in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord.” These go hand-in-hand with Commandment five in Exodus 20:12, “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you.”
I also looked in the John Macarthur study Bible to see what he has to say about these complementary verses. About the fifth Commandment he writes, “The key to societal stability is reverence and respect for parents and their authority.” About the Ephesians passage he says, “The child in the home is to be willingly under the authority of parents with obedient submission to them as the agents of the lord placed over him, obeying parents as if obeying the Lord Himself.” He also says that while verse 1 is about action, verse 3 refers to your attitude toward your parents. Finally, regarding Colossians, he writes, “The only limit on a child’s obedience is when parents demand something contrary to God’s Word.” which is where and exactly what I am hammering on here.
I believe scripturally, the starting point is your (and your boyfriend’s) attitude toward your parents. You must continue this conversation and make your decision from a position of honor and respect. They are due that, at a minimum, even if you don’t think they deserve it and regardless of what you decide. If you have any doubts about your attitude toward your mom and dad, ask your pastor or mature Christian mentors what they think about your attitude. Is it Godly?
However, what happens when you discover that the new family from which you’re going to have new parents-in-law are not ready to support your already established relationship for their own unGodly reasons?
Remember this popular Yoruba saying? “Iyawo buruku se’ ni, ana buruku ni o se’ nii.”
NOTE: these are the people you unarguably marrying and not your partner in the real sense…if they are not at peace with you, and in harmony with your togetherness, you might find it very difficult protecting that courtship/marriage on your own, irrespective of your values, beliefs about true love, or sacrifices, trust me. A lot is attached to this which I really am not going to start to worry you with, for now, but, I’ll sure like to add few more tips.
At the very beginning of the feeling(s), I humbly but strongly suggest each of the (secret) parties involved – the “Determiners” role on this, comes first here as he/she only, knows what he/she has seen, admired and unconsciously developing feelings for should make thorough research….
My dear, one thing that as a person, I have learned about such feelings…ok, I’ll try to come back to this as soon as I can…
Oh! Sorry, you say? Like I said, I am coming back to this, ok.
My dear, it is very simple! Now, I know that, God has given us the power to have control over some things and the control over our bodies and minds are part of those amazing powers!
Hey! Control the feelings first. Manage the affection or whatever it is that is captivating you about him/her – focus more on doing the right thing first…go out of your ways to know more about his/her family member(s). Try to know if you are going into even a better home away from yours, else, turn back at the early stage!
Instead of taking this step, the bulk of us want to get it done by ourselves…brother/sister, don’t be too anxious when in love with a lady/guy, that you want to do everything on your own – e dey boomerang o, I swear down. Some family ways of life , enh…dey reflect on the person’s life (and this, you might not be conscious of, because you’re already deep into that think called “love”), wey you dey fall for, only if you know what I mean here…experience, they say is the best teacher! Like they say, “Charity begins at home.” remember?
Work On The RELATIONSHIP
In addition, after successfully knowing your next destination, what you need to do, to enjoy your relationship or intending matrimony are discussed below:
When you per adventure meet someone you like (which is very normal and certain to happen), you take a step forward, make sure that the steps you’re taking are the ones towards:
Knowing her first – this is very essential, please, do not allow your feelings/emotions push/control you to just taking funny decisions as to just going straight to luring her/him into any serious thing, because you’re “funningly” (add it to your dictionary) in “it-could-be-a-self-heart-breaking” love with that fellow.
Knowing his/her past, present and her future intent(s). Know her experience so far (relationship wise) this matters a whole lots too, but may not be a criterion.
And next things you must know about him/her on your own, secretly, but wisely, in order not to arouse suspicion or insecurity, are:
i. win her heart,
ii. be convinced that the parents are God-fearing people at least, irrespective of the religion,
iii. win at least (prefer\ably the mother),
iv. know and weigh the relationship between your Partner and his/her immediate family – this is very important…!
v. make sure you at least get closer to one of his/her closest siblings and friends. You must first make sure these two categories of people like and endorse you too, and very well that they can always watch your back, anytime, any day,
vi. they must be well treated by you – make them feel very comfortable anytime they are around you,
vii. build that trust between you guys; so they can see you as one that is prepared for the journey with their Sister/Brother,
viii. display sense of responsibility,
ix. surprise her/him by knowing & (wisely) creating some kind of good acquaintances with at least some of the family members, even before he/she introduces you to them. You really do not know how much joy this action would bring to her/him and the family when they get to know what’s going on between you two.
x. and lastly, KNOW THE FAMILY/PARENTS at the early stage and DO THE RIGHT THINGS, before you drown in LOVE!
I PRAY WE DON’T FALL VICTIMS AS WE CHOSE TO LOVE!
HAVE A BLISSFUL RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE!!
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