Author: king Joseph (the @strategist_kj)
Table of Contents
Any Solution Aside Trust?…………………………………………………..2
Acceptance, Non-attachment and Healthy Love……………….6
Non-attachment is still Caring………………..……….………………7
And it shouldn’t, anyway!
When I ask most people how they feel about the risk of infidelity, there are two main answers I usually get, although which are most common. The answers are:
1st “I worry about my partner cheating”
2nd “I trust my partner and believe he/she won’t”
At the same time, there are also very small groups who brush it off with “I just try not to think about it” or even “I wouldn’t care,” but trust me, they’re the minority, you dig…#Nsido?
The second viewpoint, “trust,” is what we uphold and sell to each other as the goal, being one of two secrets to a good and successful relationship – the other being COMMUNICATION – as strongly emphasized in the first part of this article (posted on facebook few months back).
But where does the second one get you? You’re still hanging your emotional wellbeing on someone else’s actions, and if they veer off course, you’re surrendering (or rather, denying) agency over your own happiness. And I ask, #Nsido?…answer me naw…smiles…well, never mind – I can construe your muteness.
- Any Solution Aside Trust?
Yes, of course, there’s a better solution than trust!
And it’s something closer to love: “I understand what I do and do not control, that I do not control anything outside of me, and I don’t try to change that. I invest my emotional wellbeing in things I control.”
Assuming I’m on a plane as I write this, so let’s take air travel as an example.
There are two main types of air travelers:
1st Traveler: “I am afraid of flying”
2nd Traveler: “I trust that we won’t crash”
Of course, we have a few people who say “I just try not to think about it” or – the truly deranged; “I wouldn’t care if we crashed.”
Let’s take another instance on someone who’s always terrified of flying, despite being a manager in finance and having to occasionally travel for work. You know, this person starts each flight heavily self-medicated and ends each flight emotionally fatigued.
You hear them say, after each landing; “Every time I land safely, I feel like I’ve cheated death”
They’re terrified that they have no control over the situation, and her fear is really desperation for control.
But the truthful truth is, you don’t control the plane. You will never have control over the plane. And in the same sense, you will never have control over another human being! HEY! #Nsido? Don’t argue it – agreed!
A lot of people lean on this one. They point to the statistics – more people die in car accidents than plane crashes – and they reassure themselves “pilots are professionals – they do this every day.” And both of those are true, but what if hell does freeze over? What if that .000001% odd does occur?
To trust is to live in a play-pretend world believing you are special and immune to statistical risk. And maybe you are. Maybe you’re the majority.
And, more importantly, to “trust” alone is to put ourselves at more emotional risk than we need to.
Trusting alone is being over-leveraged and exposed to the heartbreak we’ll experience if it does happen. (And statistically, it could.)
Wanting it, wishing, and hoping aren’t emotional protection.
Where is “trust” going to leave you if the plane is going down, or your partner does cheat? Those subsequent moments are going to be ones of very negative emotions — probably the same ones as the worried woman next to you, except she’ll also be internally (or externally) screaming: “I knew it! I just knew it!”
I am not afraid of flying, but it’s not because I point to the statistics or necessarily even trust the pilots…my brother, a jet pilot in the Air Force, distrusts commercial pilots more than anyone I know. Quote me on this…now!
It’s because I respect the limitations of what I control (now), and I don’t let emotions (anymore) – fear included run wild with what I don’t.
I 101% trust my partner won’t cheat on me. I believe this not only from a position of belief, but rationale. In other words: she is both incredibly loyal and incredibly picky. I trust her (now). But I don’t dump my emotions into what she does.
Just like I also trust that she won’t die in a car accident after I kiss her goodbye in the morning. I believe this, but I also understand that I don’t control this, and I have emotional insurance and a contingency plan in the horrible event that it happens.
I trust. But I also don’t hang my emotional wellbeing on something that is out of my control. NO, I don’t…#Nsido?
I trust that a coffee shop is going to be open. I trust that the street light will turn GREEN – you dig that? I trust that my flight will be on time.
But if it isn’t, it doesn’t destroy me. I deal and don’t hang my emotional wellbeing on external things.
- Acceptance, Non-attachment, and Healthy Love
Accept that we have no control over the situation. Look at it, stare it in the face, and say “you belong to the universe, and so do I. Neither you nor the world are my domain.” Lobatan!…#Nsido?
These are the same stance we take with our partners.
It may sound cynical or pessimistic, but it’s not.
It’s not assuming our partner will cheat. It’s still trusting they won’t while respecting that they are their own people, and not confusing our emotions with what we’re actually entitled to.
Trust for Clients – it’s the same way we treat anything else in life …GBAM! I trust that if we make them happy, our clients will want to continue working with us. But I construe that they may one day call me up and say “we’re going with someone else.” Which is not unusual – not in any way, my dear…#Nsido?
Although, it’s very disappointing – so heartbreaking, yeah. It’s fucking shitty like #Nsido? I do anything I can to avoid that happening, in my relationship with anyone (especially with my Partner-in-love) and if it does happen, to bring them back. But at the end of the day, I respect that they are running a business, and make their own decisions.
Understanding isn’t cynicism; it’s respect and care for other beings.
It’s eyes-wide-open and open-hearted and fully honest. And most importantly, it is relaxed. It is relaxed not in a denial or blind optimism or “hoping” kind of way, like “trust”, which leaves us vulnerable to being destroyed emotionally should the thing occur.
It’s looking things straight in the eye and saying “I see you for what you are, not what I wish for, and I accept you either way.”
And this is (real) LOVE. I board each flight knowing full well the risks, and not denying them, and I live my life respecting the fact that it can be taken away. I enter relationships the same way now – NO FEAR of the unknown! Know this, fear of the unknown causes unnecessary distrust and gives room for unexpected heart problems – so why give room for it in the first place, #Nsido?
Remember, there are so many things you cannot change, and LIFE OCCURRENCES are just one of these things, followed by human beings. That reminds me what my younger sibling said some years (2002 to be precise) back while I was trying to scold her for doing something (that she was somehow used to) I thought was wrong in the house. After our Mum’s interference, I just looked at her and said; “you’d better change now before you move to your adulthood (which was just few more years to)…” and instantaneously, she replied me in a joking, but serious tone thus; “why or rather how should I change when I’m not a cloth?” Honestly, to me then, that was not just a response, but a very strong (sharp) WORD from a girl of 15! Even our Mom was shocked (to hear that from her) I turned back to face her with a straight-face question, thus I retorted; “Bidemi, what do you mean you’re not a cloth, so you can not change or what?” and now with laughter, she explained; “shey eyin o mo wipe aso ni eyan le paro, won kii n paro iwa. Nitori pe, eefin ni, no matter how you try to cover it up, o maa ru jade shaa nii, so my lovely brother, you cannot change nature, you can only adjust your ways. However, I’m sorry for my actions.”
Lesson learned from my little Sister! A lot will happen in this life (that we cannot change) and in most cases lots of disappointments, put-downs, heartbreaks, betrayal, backstabbing et al by our loved ones – even the ones we trusted most and least expected any of these things from, and we feel so bad and at times try to change them, but the truth is that we just can’t, hence so many end up in a seemingly worse situation (health-wise and otherwise) they never expected, just because they have trusted and put their lives on someone / something so much as if their lives depend on them, that when these things (put-downs) occur, they find themselves at a crossroad? …#Nsido? (why?), They have trusted so much that they never believed they could be let down by them, let alone prepare for it! Talking from EXPERIENCE here – and experience they say “is the best teacher”! In other words, I have learnt lots of lessons in relationship – still in the process though.
I am independent of my partner. And so, my emotional wellbeing is independent of her actions (now).
7. Non-attachment is still Caring
I would obviously care if my plane went down. I would care if my partner cheated. I would still be afraid if we crashed, and hurt if my partner cheated, but the difference is that, rationale would kick in and remind me, “my partner is her own person, on her own journey. You don’t control her. The only thing you have control over is your own response.”
It’s understanding the domain of our control, the limits to the authority of our emotions, and where to hang our wellbeing. Understanding and respecting the limitations of our control.
We are responsible for our own wellbeing, and we should hang our wellbeing on the thing we control , which is our MINDSET!
We let the rest exist with ACCEPTANCE, which is the same as LOVE.
The online weekly #RelationshipTip program by my humble self (king Joseph) coming back soon…every Sundays as usual – this time, stronger…#Nsido?